Tag: mental health

Memories – Known or Forgotten

Jag måste få skriva ner lite tankar som dök upp medans Jonas Hassan Khemiri nämnde en sak på TV. Om en människa är vilsen eller förlorad, och inte har så många minnen kvar, skulle det synas på en kroppsscanning? Existerar minnen endast i min hjärna eller delar man minnen på en annan dimensionen med den man skapade minnena med? Om den person man skapat minnen med, inte existerar längre, försvinner även de minnena eftersom man är ensam om de nu?

/ Kimmi Madeline

Janmpatri – Indian Horoscope 

There’s an old tradition in India to look up the horoscope and analyse a newborn’s star sign to predict major happenings in his/her life. Despite being born in quite a modern Indian family, and being born in Sweden, I still received an analyse of my future life which is called a “Janmpatri”. It’s a booklet which is consisting of a lot of astrology readings. This might seem odd and quite frankly a bit dreamy, but it’s very common.

My booklet is written in Hindi so I can’t unfortunately read it myself without the help of my parents. I know of some of the incidents which are written in my booklet that should have already happened. The funny thing is that they’re usually very precise of when the happenings will occur. I got a little brother at the age of 8 after many years of waiting. That was written in the astrology booklet amongst other things. The age of when I’d get married and about boyfriends and how they’d be.

Being a Piscean I’ve always been interested in astrology and spiritual topics. I’ve always been a seeker looking for answers in my life. Why do some things happen? What are we here on Earth to do? What is the meaning of life? I asked these questions very early on in my teens and could lie awake at night just pondering on these life topics. I think it’s one of the things that has driven me to be more keen to always be open to new knowledge. It’s helped me tons.

One lady once did a tarot reading for me and unfortunately she thought I was already above 18 and at the time I was actually 16. I remember that her reading up until the age of 16 made a lot of sense, and it gave hints to what I had already been through. But when I continued reading it didn’t make a lot of sense anymore to me, it seemed to be wrong or something. I remember going back to her to let her know that I was 16 and I thought she might have mixed up my age.
The interesting part here is that I kept that letter with the tarot interpretation and left it for a few years before I accidentally saw it again after I was over 20. I was amazed and shocked at the same time. Those things, she had described happening around the age of 16-20, they had all come true, in one way or another.

One could argue that it was all in my sub-conscious but it only works for an extent, not the whole list of things. There were people I had met, people who’d hurt me and my mental state of mind – all of the things that I had no real control over (not that I was aware at least). I found it truly interesting that sometimes fate decides the path, if you only let it and you just keep moving forward.

Peace and Love,
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Tearfulness.

I walk around with a lump in my throat, quite often, almost every day. No one really knows that it’s how I really feel. I have early on, in my childhood learned to suffocate my tears to such an extent that I no longer show my emotions in public. Or in front of anyone for that matter. I don’t think this behaviour is healthy for anyone.
When I was 18 years old and graduated high school I joined a singing class, a piano class and yoga & meditation class. I was craving for so much creative and mindful exercises, it was crazy. I was juggling 3 classes and working full time, no wonder I felt as though I didn’t have time for all. Out of the 3, the yoga came first and then the singing class and lastly piano class. I never had the enough time to study for the piano class, which I really wish I had. The yoga class was a full on 90 minutes session that ended with 20 min of mediation. My teacher had been practicing yoga for over 25 years and he was Norwegian living in Sweden. I loved that class, it truly made me whole at the time when things were up and down in my life. The mediation part of the class made me curious, and at times frustrated. I sometimes would get cramp in my toes from the yoga class and there I was sitting and trying my hardest not to focus on my cramping toes, when everyone in the room were lying still and focusing inwards. Other times I actually was thinking of all the different sounds in the class room that I never had thought of. It was so quiet and peaceful, nothing like anything I had experienced before.
And sometimes I would get so into the mediation and felt all my emotions that had been lying stuffed underneath my conscious, coming up to surface, and all that came out was tears. I felt sad for the sadness in my soul. It was a dark room and everyone had closed their eyes, including the instructor, so I was safe – no one could see my tears. It was and has been very important to me for some reason, to not show those emotions, I needed to be strong but yet I didn’t feel very strong.
I have always wondered if the repetitive behaviour of suffocating my tears have lead me to always be very close to my emotions, I am always hyper sensitive to other people emotions and I’m very empathetic to all living beings.
Classical music, beautiful melancholic lyrics, a powerful speech, people in need, animals that are mistreated or someone saying a compliment or something truly amazing – all these things, they bring me to tears. A lump in my throat. Every day of every year. No exaggeration. A lump of sadness just lying there waiting to be found.
I’ve lately been wondering how to overcome this? If mediation is the answer? I think there might not be a way to overcome it, only ways to be more used to it and be able to control it. Not to hold the tears inside, and not to let them hold me back. They’re just as important as any other feeling.

One Song to be Remembered by…

The amount of times I have listened to this song is crazy, but I can’t seem to get enough of it. The song is almost starting to be a part of describing one side of me, which is a very reflecting and meditative side. I have always loved peacefulness and meditation, this song encapsules all of it in beautiful lyrics and tune. It tells me to listen inwards and start listening to yourself, breathing an extra deep breathe each beat and relax. But it also brings forward so many emotions, they’re all in a swirl trying to find their way in my body – to calm down. I am a very hypersensitive person, which means that I get affected super easily by other people, energies, emotions etc. and it’s really difficult to turn that off. Therefore I feel that these moments when I can tune in and relax while listening to myself is necessary for me to find peace. Otherwise the emotions are beating louder and louder and it’s hard to function.

If there is one song I want to be remembered by, it’s this song. Secluded Spaces by VNV Nation. It tells an amazing story, if you listen carefully – to yourself. <3

What music defines your personality and your soul? What would you want others to remembers you by? What is the tune of your self?

 

Peace & Love,

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My Spoken Word Poems

I recently found my old blog where I used to upload all my poems since I was a teenager. It was such an amazing feeling to read through the poems and seeing when I had written them, and to see comments people had made when they appreciated the poem or if they found it touching. While I was reading through the poems I got this amazing idea, and that is to take some of them and read them aloud in my YouTube channel. Reading poems with some classical music in the background, just pure and raw.
I have so many ideas of how I can make it creative, I just hope I can get hold of a good editing tool for my videos so I can achieve my vision for them. Up until now all I have been using is the normal Microsoft Movie Maker that you usually have in your PC. It doesn’t do any advanced things other than put sound and music to your clips, and cutting the video into smaller chunks.

I will keep you guys posted on my first post of my Spoken Word poetry on YouTube. Meanwhile you can find all my poems on this link: http://dark2haze.blogspot.se/ 
I am working on a way to easily get them posted on this blog in another separate section so they’re more connected with my other content.

Peace and Love,
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Losing Innocence

When I get older, year by year, I am afraid that I am slowly but surely losing my innocence. The kind of innocence we all have when we just believe how things are always working out for the best. I am afraid at times that some sort of cynical or bitter side, would take over and take away my innocence. I find that it’s important to stay true and always remind ourselves how we have once felt, to be able to stay youthful in our minds. It’s not about being naive – it’s about thinking everything is possible and staying positive. Innocence is blissful. The feeling of having the world in your hands and not be afraid to take a step towards it each day. Not be afraid of everything that is coming directly from your heart. You need to stay in contact with your soul and your heart’s desire. That’s how you can keep your innocence in the most purest way.

Return to Innocence. Enigma.

Peace and Love,
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New City – Friends

Today is the first day since my move that I felt a little lonely even though I was amongst people. I have never been the type that would rely my whole life on someone or some people to entertain me or to hang out with. But today I felt like this new city life, the tough parts of it, are catching up on me. To have some own friends to just call up and go out with, to go downtown shopping with someone who just happened to be nearby.. all those things. I do have some friends in this town to start with but you need to build a network slowly and that’s what bothered me today, that I don’t have that starting point that people usually do when they’ve lived in a city all their lives. I need to work out how to get a little more acquainted with the city so I can find myself around a lot easier and to meet new people that I can call my friends.

I went to a café today to write in my book. Anyone who writes knows what a struggle it is to keep that spirit going and to keep on writing even the days when you feel like it’s not giving the results you want. I love the topic I’m writing about and it gives me strength and hope in my everyday life; so I love the process when I’m actually in the process and writing. It’s all about getting in the process in the first place, to sit down and start writing those few first words that get you into a flow. The flow is all you’re looking for, but that’s usually what hinders you as well. What if you can’t find the words, what if it doesn’t become as you want it to, etc.. That’s just your mind putting doubts in you. I believe it’s all about getting those moments for yourself and write from your heart, then all the words you want to write that particular day, they will come to you, the flow will come to you.

I’m going to be updating you all about my writing soon in another blog post, some more details about what I’m writing about. If you’re interested to find out a little bit, there’s a post further down that explains a little bit on a higher level what topics it covers.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi

Bugs and nasty phobias :(

Who do you turn to in the middle of the night at 3 ó clock when everything is a mess? Or in my case, since I have a phobia against all kinds of insects; who do I ask to come running like a knight in shining armour to my rescue whenever I need it? Am I selfish for thinking that someone would do that for me? Or is it unreasonable to even imagine it? I guess having friends that live nearby would be the only reason it would work.

The reason why I’m thinking of these things in the middle of the night is because I got so scared this evening from a nasty big bug that came flying in to my kitchen with 6 or 8 legs, and scary as hell. I almost got a panic attack from it, all there by myself. First I get totally scared, then I start shaking and try to deal with it. Thereafter I try to reason with myself that I should do something about it, and try to make it go away. But I usually choose the escape route, which is either to call someone or get someone to help me get rid of it or to just run away and come back when someone can help me. It’s such a childish behaviour and I know that, but right in the moment of all craziness, it just seems like a good solution to me. I almost get mad at people for not dropping everything they do and come over and help me and comfort me, but I know when I’m back in a reasonable state of mind that it’s not what I should expect. I will never get passed the issue if I just run away from it or let other people deal with the issue. I’m a lot calmer now than I was just 20 min ago; writing this off has helped me.

Peace out,
Kimmi

PS. I threw a towel at it and a plate on top of it, so now it’s lying there until someone will help me tomorrow… I suck at dealing with my phobias..

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