Tag: melancholy

My door is not wide open

I just came came back from a Reiki session that went on for like 70 min. In the south of Stockholm there’s a place called Crea Diem which I found online in a spontaneous whim. I think my body knew that I needed this today. It was my birthday yesterday and every year has its ups and downs. All emotions were enhanced when I woke up this morning after. I always carry around a huge sorrow and melancholy in my chest which is hard to describe, and I guess I am not sure why either. Sometimes I think it’s just the combination of being a scattered Pisces with Libra moon. The struggle of the two fishes swimming in opposite directions for as long as I can remember.

Reiki healing

The Reiki healing itself was exactly what I needed today to balance myself on these emotional days. After the session I was talking to the guy who performed the healing, and he was telling me what I should think about so I don’t get so low and all in my head with these thoughts and feelings. I didn’t need to tell him about my pain, it was visible in my heart. I should stop listening to what everyone else thinks and feels about my life and start tuning inwards and listen to what I want, because that is the hardest thing for me. I always get lost on the way of listening to other people who don’t even know the half of my inner true voice. Can you really expect anyone to ever know you completely? One thing I have noticed though is that the few people who have given me Reiki healing have always gotten to know my inner struggle and what I’m battling with constantly. It’s amazing how you can hide some things from everyone subconsciously but not at all from the ones who have practiced with the energy. He has my respect. The Reiki master. šŸ™šŸ½

When the pain in your heart is slowly dissolving and trying to go away, it doesn’t go quietly. Tears are needed to flush away all the pain and suffering from all the accumulated years. I already feel a little lighter today.

Peace and love,

Kimmi Madeline

Mumbai Dreams…

It’s been 2 Ā½ weeks since we came back from India this time around. The India fever has been running high ever since I came back home, been binge-watching Hindi films during these past few weeks to try to grasp for the last few straws of India that I had left in me from the trip. Why do I feel this way these days? Am I making up for all those years when I didn’t feel that I belonged neither here or there? Am I getting more sentimental with time, more than I already am? I don’t have an answer to all these questions, all I know is that writing has been my only saviour; it helps me cope with my complicated and scattered emotions about belonging.

I just started reading the book The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and have also watched the film by Mira Nair based on the same novel. That film hit a spot in my heart and I can’t help but to cry tears of recognition and melancholy. The pain and the suffering is too close to heart. Writing these words after watching the film, aren’t written without a tear in my eyes. At least they clean the vision and hopefully I can see clearly now what I have long wanted to see. Me and who I truly am. There’s never been a need to pretend but I didn’t realise that when I was younger. You don’t have to try to fit in when you know you don’t. Being unique is what is best.

Ever since the second day of visiting Mumbai in November, I knew that I had found my missing piece of inspiration. My long lost inspiration for writing my story, my book. I found it again, in the heart of Mumbai. I could see the waves coming into the shore and we were driving by the south side of Mumbai, feeling the breeze from the opened window. My hair was getting messy in the wind, but I didn’t mind at all, I felt at peace. I knew I had found my way back, to my core. I think that’s why I have had my “identity crisis” with the endless watching of Hindi films, trying to see if I can relate to any of it. I don’t feel the need to relate anymore, I already know what was missing all along. My acceptance.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Niroopinder Madeline

Poem: Creatures of the sea.

Poem: Creatures of the sea.

fishes in the sea

One thought. One dream. One soul.
You can hear my voice
Deep within my soul
Calling out your name
Swimming to the shore
As one we are together.

Oceans apart,
You can still hear me
Words are drowning in
Telepathic waves,
My heart is yearning for
Peace of mind.

Connecting spirits
No matter the distance
No matter the time
We are always online
Truly divine
Creatures of the sea.

4:30am, I’m awake again..

It’s been 10 years and this song is still very dear to me. Above and Beyond – Can’t Sleep. It has a depth to it that is hard to explain, it’s not a normal radio trance song that is lacking soul and emotion. The melody, the transition and the lyrics – all melt together to an amazing and beautiful track. If you haven’t heard it, or don’t listen to trance, which I don’t do much anymore, still, give it a try – it’s worth it. Some of the lyrics are posted below together with a link to the track on Youtube.

Peace and Love,
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Four thirty A.M, I’m awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

If I said I want you back I’d be a liar
There’s nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can’t help reaching out for more

And I can’t sleep… You’re so far away from me

You’re leaving me scars scattered in my heart
A road map of all the places you have been
And I can’t escape, can’t wash this away
Love has burned your mark so deep within

 

Fragments of my Life

“Iā€™ve got tears in my eyes and Iā€™m letting them drown in my eyes. I canā€™t let them out ’cause they will destroy me.”

Fragments of my life...

Poem: Travelling is my Drug

My heart is pounding hard
Hands are reaching out for more
It’s never been so difficult
To breathe in this familiar air

I’ve been gone for too long
This place is no longer mine
My memory is failing me
Falling deeper and deeper
Into this well of clouds

Wandering about endlessly
Always looking for something
To capture my heart
Always looking for a hit
To preserve my sanity

Walking amongst the bouncy clouds
The endless clear blue sky
Tip toeing through it all
The only thing driving me is,
Salty tears falling from above

Peace and Love,
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Tearfulness.

I walk around with a lump in my throat, quite often, almost every day. No one really knows that it’s how I really feel. I have early on, in my childhood learned to suffocate my tears to such an extent that I no longer show my emotions in public. Or in front of anyone for that matter. I don’t think this behaviour is healthy for anyone.
When I was 18 years old and graduated high school I joined a singing class, a piano class and yoga & meditation class. I was craving for so much creative and mindful exercises, it was crazy. I was juggling 3 classes and working full time, no wonder I felt as though I didn’t have time for all. Out of the 3, the yoga came first and then the singing class and lastly piano class. I never had the enough time to study for the piano class, which I really wish I had. The yoga class was a full on 90 minutes session that ended with 20 min of mediation. My teacher had been practicing yoga for over 25 years and he was Norwegian living in Sweden. I loved that class, it truly made me whole at the time when things were up and down in my life. The mediation part of the class made me curious, and at times frustrated. I sometimes would get cramp in my toes from the yoga class and there I was sitting and trying my hardest not to focus on my cramping toes, when everyone in the room were lying still and focusing inwards. Other times I actually was thinking of all the different sounds in the class room that I never had thought of. It was so quiet and peaceful, nothing like anything I had experienced before.
And sometimes I would get so into the mediation and felt all my emotions that had been lying stuffed underneath my conscious, coming up to surface, and all that came out was tears. I felt sad for the sadness in my soul. It was a dark room and everyone had closed their eyes, including the instructor, so I was safe – no one could see my tears. It was and has been very important to me for some reason, to not show those emotions, I needed to be strong but yet I didn’t feel very strong.
I have always wondered if the repetitive behaviour of suffocating my tears have lead me to always be very close to my emotions, I am always hyper sensitive to other people emotions and I’m very empathetic to all living beings.
Classical music, beautiful melancholic lyrics, a powerful speech, people in need, animals that are mistreated or someone saying a compliment or something truly amazing – all these things, they bring me to tears. A lump in my throat. Every day of every year. No exaggeration. A lump of sadness just lying there waiting to be found.
I’ve lately been wondering how to overcome this? If mediation is the answer? I think there might not be a way to overcome it, only ways to be more used to it and be able to control it. Not to hold the tears inside, and not to let them hold me back. They’re just as important as any other feeling.

Seeking for FreedomĀ 

I was seeking this thing called Freedom
I walked for miles for this Purpose
I stumbled and I fell, all in vain
All I needed was
Right within me

Days has passed, years have gone
My mind is filled with tormented memories
Scratching and bleeding
Drops of blood from my Soul
Left it broken and torn

Dreams have been haunting me
They will never escape this space
Where you and I could have been
Elusive thoughts
Just leave me alone.

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Wherever you will go

Just heard the captain in the flight say “wish you a pleasant evening wherever you go next” and it sounded so nice. Wherever you will go next in life kind of. We’re always on our way to places and on the move, that’s what I’ve felt like the past few years when I look back. I always look back to my past and into my future and all kinds of thoughts pop into my head when I take a flight somewhere. It’s amazing how such a small thing seems to affect me so much and puts me in a reflective state of mind. Always. I even have specific special songs that I’ve downloaded from Spotify to my phone so I don’t have any trouble listening to them in my flight in case they wouldn’t have Wi-Fi. Those songs are usually the ones putting me into that state of mind but they’re also a bit melancholic in tune. I guess that’s what I prefer listening to when thinking over things. I like the feeling of sadness and how it makes you appreciate things. Music is truly powerful and it can make you want to remember what the song means to you and what memories it brings up to the surface that might have been hidden for years. While other songs are meant to just make you forget the moment right now and fly into another world where everything is just the way you want it to be – free.
I will share one of the songs I listen to in airplanes. What’s your airplane music?

Peace and love,
Kimmi

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