Tag: emotions (page 1 of 3)

Memories – Known or Forgotten

Jag måste få skriva ner lite tankar som dök upp medans Jonas Hassan Khemiri nämnde en sak på TV. Om en människa är vilsen eller förlorad, och inte har så många minnen kvar, skulle det synas på en kroppsscanning? Existerar minnen endast i min hjärna eller delar man minnen på en annan dimensionen med den man skapade minnena med? Om den person man skapat minnen med, inte existerar längre, försvinner även de minnena eftersom man är ensam om de nu?

/ Kimmi Madeline

What am I escaping from?

I tend to ask myself that a lot after travelling somewhere. I’m currently in the flight back to Stockholm via Frankfurt. Flying and travelling always puts me in a state of reflection. Why do we travellers always have to have more journeys planned ahead when the last one isn’t even finished? I question whether I really am travelling because I want to explore and see the world, or if I’m escaping something. I would like the answer to be simple and clear and that I’m just looking to expand my horizons, by seeing more than just what I call my home. If we (travellers) really dig deep inside ourselves I believe there might be a reason for all the searching for answers. But I still don’t know the question. 

I wonder if it all comes back to soul searching activities. Everyone handles the questions differently and we all have different means to explore the answers. Some people are expressing it through art; whether it be painting, music or writing, they’re all good ways to expressing our inner core of emotions. The emotions that we don’t let anyone see or come near. My favourite way of unraveling my soul matters is to write. Writing poems, long complex outlines, blog posts and journals.

Poem: Memories Broken

Fragments of images
Floating in my head
Were they real or were they false?
Moments lost and never found
Can we really ever tell
Broken memories from our dreams

Pieces of a puzzle
Missing pieces to be found
Digging for the answers
Shuffle pieces back together
Curing this amnesia
Memories have been found

In another dimension
We will meet again
Our pieces of the puzzle
Will find their way back
Passing on the memories
To the eternal side

Peace and Love,
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4:30am, I’m awake again..

It’s been 10 years and this song is still very dear to me. Above and Beyond – Can’t Sleep. It has a depth to it that is hard to explain, it’s not a normal radio trance song that is lacking soul and emotion. The melody, the transition and the lyrics – all melt together to an amazing and beautiful track. If you haven’t heard it, or don’t listen to trance, which I don’t do much anymore, still, give it a try – it’s worth it. Some of the lyrics are posted below together with a link to the track on Youtube.

Peace and Love,
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Four thirty A.M, I’m awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

If I said I want you back I’d be a liar
There’s nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can’t help reaching out for more

And I can’t sleep… You’re so far away from me

You’re leaving me scars scattered in my heart
A road map of all the places you have been
And I can’t escape, can’t wash this away
Love has burned your mark so deep within

 

Fragments of my Life

“I’ve got tears in my eyes and I’m letting them drown in my eyes. I can’t let them out ’cause they will destroy me.”

Fragments of my life...

Poem: Travelling is my Drug

My heart is pounding hard
Hands are reaching out for more
It’s never been so difficult
To breathe in this familiar air

I’ve been gone for too long
This place is no longer mine
My memory is failing me
Falling deeper and deeper
Into this well of clouds

Wandering about endlessly
Always looking for something
To capture my heart
Always looking for a hit
To preserve my sanity

Walking amongst the bouncy clouds
The endless clear blue sky
Tip toeing through it all
The only thing driving me is,
Salty tears falling from above

Peace and Love,
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Global Communication

Since my teenage years I’ve always been very interested in knowing people from all over the world via the Internet communities. It used to be so friendly to create great friendships over the web through forums and online communities back in the days. I feel as though those times have changed and it’s not as simple to get to know people with same type of interests as you since forums are not as popular as they used to. Now we have Youtube and we have Facebook groups, they fill the function but they are not as personal.

I remember being part of mailing lists for certain subjects that are so specific that you almost require people that have sought out this place to feel a real and honest connection. It was true and pure. I quite miss those times sometimes or feel the need to try to recreate them in other ways through blogs, Youtube and other social media.
Some of my deepest connections have been with people I’ve gotten to know online through common interests or kept chatting with online to remain friends despite living in different ends of the world. Maybe it’s because we really truly get to know the person’s inner core of what they value and what they want and how their true personality is, without the need for superficiality. What is better than a real deep conversation that spans over subjects from heaven to earth?

What if we didn’t have the means to be able to communicate during the time we’re not in the same place on Earth? We wouldn’t be able to stay in touch or actually know the people anymore, because time would have made the connections fade away. That’s why I’ve always appreciated the technology that allows us to keep in contact with friends and family all over the world.

I know reality is far from the tv-series Friends and maybe that’s a very unrealistic way of living and knowing your friends, but I wonder how it would be if everyone were in the same city. Being spread all over the world is also a barrier to really keep the contact frequent and close. Despite all of this I still believe that if you can get through these barriers and still manage to find the time and make the effort to stay connected, I think these types of friendships are stronger than others.

There is, unfortunately, these days, not so easy to find deep connections with people. It seems as though the everyday life is only able to focus on the surface. Rushing through life without stopping to reflect, think and to connect with others – that’s a shame.
So stop for a second and just appreciate those you care about around you, and spend time with them, be present with them, listen and leave your other thoughts behind.

Peace and Love,
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Always Follow Through

Work hard in silence, let success make the noise. – Frank Ocean

Quote: Work hard in silence, let success make the noise.

This is my motto these days. I have come to realise it’s sometimes better to keep quiet about all your plans than to blurt them out to everyone as soon as you thought of them. This has been a tough practice for me and it’s been difficult because I have done the opposite in so many areas and it’s still a daily struggle. I find that it’s better to wait for a while, let the thoughts remain yours and let them mature and then let people in your surroundings know when things are more clear and you have a good sense of direction. I have told people about my plans for writing a book, opening a café and my change of profession way too many times, in vain. Because they stop listening after a while. It’s now just become noise because you’ve been there before, you’ve said those words before. Let your actions speak for themselves instead. That’s what I’m working on these days, and that’s what is inspiring me the most.

– How is the business going?
– It’s going real well, I’m progressing and I enjoy the process.

That is it. That is all that will be coming through my mouth regarding my business during the coming months, until I feel I have reached a step in my goal, and I want to share it with the world. Until then, I will keep my eyes on the goal and not look back.

I don’t believe in regrets and I never have. I try to live in the present and plan some things ahead, but not too far into the future. I do however believe in reflecting over past mistakes, and past experiences, and I as a Piscean can many times get stuck in thoughts of the past. Not to dwell, but to figure out my way forward based on my past. My past is always teaching me a lot about my current situation and how I will go about to make the choices that I need to make in order to get to where I want to be.

Song for this blog post: Darren Hayes  – Where You Want to Be

 

Janmpatri – Indian Horoscope 

There’s an old tradition in India to look up the horoscope and analyse a newborn’s star sign to predict major happenings in his/her life. Despite being born in quite a modern Indian family, and being born in Sweden, I still received an analyse of my future life which is called a “Janmpatri”. It’s a booklet which is consisting of a lot of astrology readings. This might seem odd and quite frankly a bit dreamy, but it’s very common.

My booklet is written in Hindi so I can’t unfortunately read it myself without the help of my parents. I know of some of the incidents which are written in my booklet that should have already happened. The funny thing is that they’re usually very precise of when the happenings will occur. I got a little brother at the age of 8 after many years of waiting. That was written in the astrology booklet amongst other things. The age of when I’d get married and about boyfriends and how they’d be.

Being a Piscean I’ve always been interested in astrology and spiritual topics. I’ve always been a seeker looking for answers in my life. Why do some things happen? What are we here on Earth to do? What is the meaning of life? I asked these questions very early on in my teens and could lie awake at night just pondering on these life topics. I think it’s one of the things that has driven me to be more keen to always be open to new knowledge. It’s helped me tons.

One lady once did a tarot reading for me and unfortunately she thought I was already above 18 and at the time I was actually 16. I remember that her reading up until the age of 16 made a lot of sense, and it gave hints to what I had already been through. But when I continued reading it didn’t make a lot of sense anymore to me, it seemed to be wrong or something. I remember going back to her to let her know that I was 16 and I thought she might have mixed up my age.
The interesting part here is that I kept that letter with the tarot interpretation and left it for a few years before I accidentally saw it again after I was over 20. I was amazed and shocked at the same time. Those things, she had described happening around the age of 16-20, they had all come true, in one way or another.

One could argue that it was all in my sub-conscious but it only works for an extent, not the whole list of things. There were people I had met, people who’d hurt me and my mental state of mind – all of the things that I had no real control over (not that I was aware at least). I found it truly interesting that sometimes fate decides the path, if you only let it and you just keep moving forward.

Peace and Love,
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Tearfulness.

I walk around with a lump in my throat, quite often, almost every day. No one really knows that it’s how I really feel. I have early on, in my childhood learned to suffocate my tears to such an extent that I no longer show my emotions in public. Or in front of anyone for that matter. I don’t think this behaviour is healthy for anyone.
When I was 18 years old and graduated high school I joined a singing class, a piano class and yoga & meditation class. I was craving for so much creative and mindful exercises, it was crazy. I was juggling 3 classes and working full time, no wonder I felt as though I didn’t have time for all. Out of the 3, the yoga came first and then the singing class and lastly piano class. I never had the enough time to study for the piano class, which I really wish I had. The yoga class was a full on 90 minutes session that ended with 20 min of mediation. My teacher had been practicing yoga for over 25 years and he was Norwegian living in Sweden. I loved that class, it truly made me whole at the time when things were up and down in my life. The mediation part of the class made me curious, and at times frustrated. I sometimes would get cramp in my toes from the yoga class and there I was sitting and trying my hardest not to focus on my cramping toes, when everyone in the room were lying still and focusing inwards. Other times I actually was thinking of all the different sounds in the class room that I never had thought of. It was so quiet and peaceful, nothing like anything I had experienced before.
And sometimes I would get so into the mediation and felt all my emotions that had been lying stuffed underneath my conscious, coming up to surface, and all that came out was tears. I felt sad for the sadness in my soul. It was a dark room and everyone had closed their eyes, including the instructor, so I was safe – no one could see my tears. It was and has been very important to me for some reason, to not show those emotions, I needed to be strong but yet I didn’t feel very strong.
I have always wondered if the repetitive behaviour of suffocating my tears have lead me to always be very close to my emotions, I am always hyper sensitive to other people emotions and I’m very empathetic to all living beings.
Classical music, beautiful melancholic lyrics, a powerful speech, people in need, animals that are mistreated or someone saying a compliment or something truly amazing – all these things, they bring me to tears. A lump in my throat. Every day of every year. No exaggeration. A lump of sadness just lying there waiting to be found.
I’ve lately been wondering how to overcome this? If mediation is the answer? I think there might not be a way to overcome it, only ways to be more used to it and be able to control it. Not to hold the tears inside, and not to let them hold me back. They’re just as important as any other feeling.

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