It’s been 2 ½ weeks since we came back from India this time around. The India fever has been running high ever since I came back home, been binge-watching Hindi films during these past few weeks to try to grasp for the last few straws of India that I had left in me from the trip. Why do I feel this way these days? Am I making up for all those years when I didn’t feel that I belonged neither here or there? Am I getting more sentimental with time, more than I already am? I don’t have an answer to all these questions, all I know is that writing has been my only saviour; it helps me cope with my complicated and scattered emotions about belonging.
I just started reading the book The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and have also watched the film by Mira Nair based on the same novel. That film hit a spot in my heart and I can’t help but to cry tears of recognition and melancholy. The pain and the suffering is too close to heart. Writing these words after watching the film, aren’t written without a tear in my eyes. At least they clean the vision and hopefully I can see clearly now what I have long wanted to see. Me and who I truly am. There’s never been a need to pretend but I didn’t realise that when I was younger. You don’t have to try to fit in when you know you don’t. Being unique is what is best.
Ever since the second day of visiting Mumbai in November, I knew that I had found my missing piece of inspiration. My long lost inspiration for writing my story, my book. I found it again, in the heart of Mumbai. I could see the waves coming into the shore and we were driving by the south side of Mumbai, feeling the breeze from the opened window. My hair was getting messy in the wind, but I didn’t mind at all, I felt at peace. I knew I had found my way back, to my core. I think that’s why I have had my “identity crisis” with the endless watching of Hindi films, trying to see if I can relate to any of it. I don’t feel the need to relate anymore, I already know what was missing all along. My acceptance.
Peace and Love,
Kimmi Niroopinder Madeline
Poem: Creatures of the sea.
One thought. One dream. One soul.
You can hear my voice
Deep within my soul
Calling out your name
Swimming to the shore
As one we are together.
You can still hear me
Words are drowning in
My heart is yearning for
Peace of mind.
No matter the distance
No matter the time
We are always online
Creatures of the sea.
Fragments of images
Floating in my head
Were they real or were they false?
Moments lost and never found
Can we really ever tell
Broken memories from our dreams
Pieces of a puzzle
Missing pieces to be found
Digging for the answers
Shuffle pieces back together
Curing this amnesia
Memories have been found
In another dimension
We will meet again
Our pieces of the puzzle
Will find their way back
Passing on the memories
To the eternal side
Peace and Love,
I was seeking this thing called Freedom
I walked for miles for this Purpose
I stumbled and I fell, all in vain
All I needed was
Right within me
Days has passed, years have gone
My mind is filled with tormented memories
Scratching and bleeding
Drops of blood from my Soul
Left it broken and torn
Dreams have been haunting me
They will never escape this space
Where you and I could have been
Just leave me alone.
Everyday is a chaotic day in my head.
I have forgotten how to write the pain away.
Some days are more floating than others.
The memories float together in my mind,
condense into the sky where they fall down like rain.
Scattered. In pieces.
I actually like this feeling.
It’s a bittersweet and creative sensation.
You just need to embrace it.
Make the most of it. Be present in it.
Days pass, years go by.
The memories still remain…
They never fade away.
Peace and Love,
Today is the first day since my move that I felt a little lonely even though I was amongst people. I have never been the type that would rely my whole life on someone or some people to entertain me or to hang out with. But today I felt like this new city life, the tough parts of it, are catching up on me. To have some own friends to just call up and go out with, to go downtown shopping with someone who just happened to be nearby.. all those things. I do have some friends in this town to start with but you need to build a network slowly and that’s what bothered me today, that I don’t have that starting point that people usually do when they’ve lived in a city all their lives. I need to work out how to get a little more acquainted with the city so I can find myself around a lot easier and to meet new people that I can call my friends.
I went to a café today to write in my book. Anyone who writes knows what a struggle it is to keep that spirit going and to keep on writing even the days when you feel like it’s not giving the results you want. I love the topic I’m writing about and it gives me strength and hope in my everyday life; so I love the process when I’m actually in the process and writing. It’s all about getting in the process in the first place, to sit down and start writing those few first words that get you into a flow. The flow is all you’re looking for, but that’s usually what hinders you as well. What if you can’t find the words, what if it doesn’t become as you want it to, etc.. That’s just your mind putting doubts in you. I believe it’s all about getting those moments for yourself and write from your heart, then all the words you want to write that particular day, they will come to you, the flow will come to you.
I’m going to be updating you all about my writing soon in another blog post, some more details about what I’m writing about. If you’re interested to find out a little bit, there’s a post further down that explains a little bit on a higher level what topics it covers.
Peace and Love,
I write when I feel good about my life. I write when things are not the way they’re suppose to be. I write when I’m sad to straight out my emotions when no one else but my inner voice seem to be able to help. Writing is my passion. Without writing I feel lost without the words that need to be written.I feel whole when I’ve accomplished a piece of writing that is fulfilling. Writing defines me more for each day that goes by. Writing expresses my feelings for people. Feelings I can’t express tares open my heart and it bleeds out in words.
Writing is beautiful. Writing is an art. Writing is freedom.
What do you write?
Peace and Love,
I’m going to share a little piece of what my book is going to cover. This is something that I’ve been thinking about for the last few years and it’s a very personal topic, and I’ve been very unsure over those years whether or not to share it with the world.
The topic is: arranged relationships (or marriages) vs. love relationships and related stories. It’s going to be a very personal book, very close to my heart and it’s going to be about cultural differences between western and a mixed Indian culture.
I don’t personally have any experience in having to be in an arranged relationship (thank God!) but I am very interested in the subject and how it’s still a problem for some young people to get out of (if they wanted to). They are usually expected to follow the family traditions and they therefore agree to go through with it to avoid bringing family shame or damage the family honour.
Why would there be family shame if they choose their own partner? Why shouldn’t we be able to love whoever we want and choose to spend the life with that person be enough to please the family? Those are some very difficult questions to answer but I’m very eager to dig deeper into the whole concept and find out more about the pros and cons of such an arrangement. Isn’t the individual happiness what should be in focus, since we’re the only ones who are going to live our own life?
Another interesting observation is how girls and boys are treated differently and the expectations and pressure are also very diverse depending on if you’re a boy or a girl. A boy might be able to date more openly before a marriage in some families, while girls should not even talk to a boy before she gets married. I know I might take the most extreme examples, but they do exist, unfortunately.
From a Western perspective I have a hard time accepting or believing that one would ever want to marry a stranger and build a family with them, but somehow it’s not hard to accept for true followers of this tradition or culture.
What is interesting to know about Indian culture is that it’s very intertwined with religion; so there is really a fine line between the two. One can be non-religious but still follow all traditions and celebrate religious holidays, just because it’s natural to them. I compare it with celebrating Christmas for example, not many people in Sweden are religious but we still celebrate Christmas here. It’s fun to receive gifts and have the whole family gathered – but it’s more for the social aspect than it’s ever going to be religious. At least here in Sweden, which isn’t a very religious country.
I guess growing up in a very nonreligious country together with having a family which is Indian and having that Indian culture with me has made me question many things while growing up. These are just a very few of my thoughts that have triggered my need to write my story, as raw as it might be, because I believe that it’s necessary to shed some light on these topics in today’s modern society where we might think that everyone has a free will. At least here – in the West.