Category: Writing (page 1 of 3)

Journaling | Writing down thoughts and emotions

10 year journaling anniversary.

I love to write down my thoughts and feelings. I can’t remember for how long I’ve actually been doing this thing we call journaling but I’m very greatful for it. Some people draw to get their emotions out on paper, and some write, while others might actually talk out loud with someone to get some perspective on what’s going on inside of us. I prefer to write and usually won’t let anyone see what I’ve written, because it’s thoughts and emotions that usually have been buried inside for a long time and only dare to come out in the presence of my own soul. Quietly and emotionally.

While I was looking through my hard discs and old PC stuff I found old files where I wrote down thoughts and used as a sort of diary. It’s always difficult to look back in old files and read what has been written from an older self, although I am very grateful to be able to do that. It allows for some time of reflection on your current life and where you’ve come in your journey, if you’re going in the right path and if you’re not, it’s usually pretty clear after a while meditating on your purpose.

This year, 2018, marks a special year for me, it’s been exactly 10 years since I started to journal in the computer and digitally. During this time I have of course used a lot of notepads as well, but I usually come back to my Google Docs documents where year after year is stored. Some year files contain more than 25 000 words and I am amazed of the amount of text I’ve actually been able to write over the course of a year. Other year files are much smaller, for example around 5000 words. Those years are usually very busy and emotionally draining, which obviously makes me take a step backwards and don’t get my thoughts out on paper. It can take a while to work through what you’ve been going through sometimes to be able to be creative with it and actually want to put it on paper.

My poems and writing poetry is the same approach, I usually need some distance to my feelings to be able to immerse into my deeper thoughts and emotions.

One of the best ways to help me with my inner life, although somewhat expensive, is to travel the world. One destination at a time. It doesn’t even matter how far you go, or you stay at fancy places, for me the important part is just the journey. It really helps me escape the daily routine and break free from detrimental thought patterns and start fresh, in another place, totally disconnected from the rest of my life.

How do you sort out your thoughts and help you to reflect on your life? Which are the different ways for you to work through your thoughts?

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Madeline

Journaling

Mumbai Dreams…

It’s been 2 ½ weeks since we came back from India this time around. The India fever has been running high ever since I came back home, been binge-watching Hindi films during these past few weeks to try to grasp for the last few straws of India that I had left in me from the trip. Why do I feel this way these days? Am I making up for all those years when I didn’t feel that I belonged neither here or there? Am I getting more sentimental with time, more than I already am? I don’t have an answer to all these questions, all I know is that writing has been my only saviour; it helps me cope with my complicated and scattered emotions about belonging.

I just started reading the book The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and have also watched the film by Mira Nair based on the same novel. That film hit a spot in my heart and I can’t help but to cry tears of recognition and melancholy. The pain and the suffering is too close to heart. Writing these words after watching the film, aren’t written without a tear in my eyes. At least they clean the vision and hopefully I can see clearly now what I have long wanted to see. Me and who I truly am. There’s never been a need to pretend but I didn’t realise that when I was younger. You don’t have to try to fit in when you know you don’t. Being unique is what is best.

Ever since the second day of visiting Mumbai in November, I knew that I had found my missing piece of inspiration. My long lost inspiration for writing my story, my book. I found it again, in the heart of Mumbai. I could see the waves coming into the shore and we were driving by the south side of Mumbai, feeling the breeze from the opened window. My hair was getting messy in the wind, but I didn’t mind at all, I felt at peace. I knew I had found my way back, to my core. I think that’s why I have had my “identity crisis” with the endless watching of Hindi films, trying to see if I can relate to any of it. I don’t feel the need to relate anymore, I already know what was missing all along. My acceptance.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Niroopinder Madeline

Poem: Creatures of the sea.

Poem: Creatures of the sea.

fishes in the sea

One thought. One dream. One soul.
You can hear my voice
Deep within my soul
Calling out your name
Swimming to the shore
As one we are together.

Oceans apart,
You can still hear me
Words are drowning in
Telepathic waves,
My heart is yearning for
Peace of mind.

Connecting spirits
No matter the distance
No matter the time
We are always online
Truly divine
Creatures of the sea.

my missing puzzle piece.

India, it’s been a while since I told you what I really feel. It’s not like I didn’t care or forgot about you, but I guess I hadn’t found my way home. In my heart. And my aching soul.

While growing up I lost a piece of me here and I couldn’t find it for over a decade. I was always looking to find my way back to that part of me. It was disconnected for so long. I almost forgot. I almost lost you. Disconnected.

I never understood the lump in my throat. Hidden emotions stacked under the surface. Ready to burst at any moment. Triggered by the invisible pain. Deep down in my soul.

A ray of infinite light has enlightened me now. I can see you clearly now. You were always there for me. Right in front of me. Day or night. Dark or light.

It was here all along. My forgotten puzzle piece. It was so hard to find. I didn’t forget about you. I was just lost. But you, still accept me for who I am. For that I am grateful. For that I am proud. Proud to call you my home.

Memories – Known or Forgotten

Jag måste få skriva ner lite tankar som dök upp medans Jonas Hassan Khemiri nämnde en sak på TV. Om en människa är vilsen eller förlorad, och inte har så många minnen kvar, skulle det synas på en kroppsscanning? Existerar minnen endast i min hjärna eller delar man minnen på en annan dimensionen med den man skapade minnena med? Om den person man skapat minnen med, inte existerar längre, försvinner även de minnena eftersom man är ensam om de nu?

/ Kimmi Madeline

Poem from late 2014

The inner calm is so fragile and becomes easily unsteady

When the storm hits your heart you embrace the vibes

Closing my eyes to find myself in a different world

Quiet, peaceful and reminiscent of a road to light my way

The road to creative abundance is my fulfillment in life

A moment just like in heaven is how I want to be with you.

 

Floating barely under the surface of your love

I’ve been overwhelmed by your generous affection

My inner wound of pain is slowly healing with your touch

I just need a glass filled with your love to carry on

Your light brightens the shadows behind my eyes

The gloomy shadows are slowly diminishing from my soul

Your warmth embrace ensured me security when being lost

Your love was the medicine I needed, only love

 

I was running away for so long

There was so much pain to hide

Every soul I met could only see my shell

I was wearing a mask that was dying inside

Became foggy and overheated at times

Ran for so long I forgot how to be free

Forgot how to breathe from within

Telling the world the truth wasn’t the answer

The mask would break into pieces

Would never be who I used to be anymore

I would have to be the truth – and be myself

Own my truth

Open and honest. Totally raw.

India Trip 2016: Mumbai/Bombay

Bombay. Mumbai. Whatever you’d like to call it, this great urban city of India that Bollywood calls its home. So much diversity and so many nationalities in the same city, living under the same rules – freedom. There’s a sense of freedom in India which cannot be found elsewhere, you can do as you please, come as you go and just mind your own business – there’s no problem. Anything is do-able in India. If you have plenty of time and patience. Don’t rush it and things will fall into place – eventually.

I will be travelling down to Bombay by air from North India, and it’s amazing how you only get to half of the country in 2½ hours with flight. It’s the same distance as Stockholm to London, it’s incredible how large this country is. When we get to Bombay (which is what I still call the city most of the times despite the name change back to Mumbai) we’re checking into a hotel near the airport to freshen up and get some rest. We’ll be doing some shopping in the city the first evening in Bombay and then just take it easy because of all the travelling. The next day is planned for sightseeing and local shopping, and hopefully to meet a dear friend of mine.

I want to capture and take in the whole experience of being in Bombay for the first time. Travelling with someone who’s never been to India is also very special, you get to show what you’ve been accustomed to since childhood and also see it through their eyes. How do they look at the surroundings? What do they think of the mad traffic and driving on the “other side”? What are their first impressions when coming out of the airport? The smell, the people and the rush. Either you love it or you dislike it, that’s what I believe. Either you’ll love India and it’s randomness and the need of being present all the time, or you’ll be fed up in no time if you haven’t got the patience. If you remain open throughout the whole experience you will probably love it.
What would you think when you see the huge gaps between the rich and the poor? How do you react to the people begging openly in the streets? This is the whole experience and not just go to the tourist places and turn back to Europe after the vacation is finished. When you’re here, you need to see the whole 360 of what India has to offer you. From the 5 star hotel restaurants to the roadside dhaba’s, from the fancy and exclusive shopping malls to the local crowded markets, from a private taxi to a rickshaw or a 3-wheeler. Then you’re able to judge it with real open eyes, without judgement and without fear.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Madeline

Poem: Memories Broken

Fragments of images
Floating in my head
Were they real or were they false?
Moments lost and never found
Can we really ever tell
Broken memories from our dreams

Pieces of a puzzle
Missing pieces to be found
Digging for the answers
Shuffle pieces back together
Curing this amnesia
Memories have been found

In another dimension
We will meet again
Our pieces of the puzzle
Will find their way back
Passing on the memories
To the eternal side

Peace and Love,
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Fragments of my Life

“I’ve got tears in my eyes and I’m letting them drown in my eyes. I can’t let them out ’cause they will destroy me.”

Fragments of my life...

Poem: Travelling is my Drug

My heart is pounding hard
Hands are reaching out for more
It’s never been so difficult
To breathe in this familiar air

I’ve been gone for too long
This place is no longer mine
My memory is failing me
Falling deeper and deeper
Into this well of clouds

Wandering about endlessly
Always looking for something
To capture my heart
Always looking for a hit
To preserve my sanity

Walking amongst the bouncy clouds
The endless clear blue sky
Tip toeing through it all
The only thing driving me is,
Salty tears falling from above

Peace and Love,
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