Category: Thoughts (page 2 of 4)

Know everything about my Thoughts on lifestyle, business, personal interest and more.

Tearfulness.

I walk around with a lump in my throat, quite often, almost every day. No one really knows that it’s how I really feel. I have early on, in my childhood learned to suffocate my tears to such an extent that I no longer show my emotions in public. Or in front of anyone for that matter. I don’t think this behaviour is healthy for anyone.
When I was 18 years old and graduated high school I joined a singing class, a piano class and yoga & meditation class. I was craving for so much creative and mindful exercises, it was crazy. I was juggling 3 classes and working full time, no wonder I felt as though I didn’t have time for all. Out of the 3, the yoga came first and then the singing class and lastly piano class. I never had the enough time to study for the piano class, which I really wish I had. The yoga class was a full on 90 minutes session that ended with 20 min of mediation. My teacher had been practicing yoga for over 25 years and he was Norwegian living in Sweden. I loved that class, it truly made me whole at the time when things were up and down in my life. The mediation part of the class made me curious, and at times frustrated. I sometimes would get cramp in my toes from the yoga class and there I was sitting and trying my hardest not to focus on my cramping toes, when everyone in the room were lying still and focusing inwards. Other times I actually was thinking of all the different sounds in the class room that I never had thought of. It was so quiet and peaceful, nothing like anything I had experienced before.
And sometimes I would get so into the mediation and felt all my emotions that had been lying stuffed underneath my conscious, coming up to surface, and all that came out was tears. I felt sad for the sadness in my soul. It was a dark room and everyone had closed their eyes, including the instructor, so I was safe – no one could see my tears. It was and has been very important to me for some reason, to not show those emotions, I needed to be strong but yet I didn’t feel very strong.
I have always wondered if the repetitive behaviour of suffocating my tears have lead me to always be very close to my emotions, I am always hyper sensitive to other people emotions and I’m very empathetic to all living beings.
Classical music, beautiful melancholic lyrics, a powerful speech, people in need, animals that are mistreated or someone saying a compliment or something truly amazing – all these things, they bring me to tears. A lump in my throat. Every day of every year. No exaggeration. A lump of sadness just lying there waiting to be found.
I’ve lately been wondering how to overcome this? If mediation is the answer? I think there might not be a way to overcome it, only ways to be more used to it and be able to control it. Not to hold the tears inside, and not to let them hold me back. They’re just as important as any other feeling.

Losing Innocence

When I get older, year by year, I am afraid that I am slowly but surely losing my innocence. The kind of innocence we all have when we just believe how things are always working out for the best. I am afraid at times that some sort of cynical or bitter side, would take over and take away my innocence. I find that it’s important to stay true and always remind ourselves how we have once felt, to be able to stay youthful in our minds. It’s not about being naive – it’s about thinking everything is possible and staying positive. Innocence is blissful. The feeling of having the world in your hands and not be afraid to take a step towards it each day. Not be afraid of everything that is coming directly from your heart. You need to stay in contact with your soul and your heart’s desire. That’s how you can keep your innocence in the most purest way.

Return to Innocence. Enigma.

Peace and Love,
signature

Airplane Music

I have always been a very reflective person who needs to slow down my everyday life to just think and meditate to be at peace. If I don’t get to have a moment to myself and have my space to reflect I feel uneasy and get anxiety very easily. It’s easy to just get caught in the daily chaos and forget to wind down and just take a deep breathe. I always get to remind myself of what is really important when I’m travelling or get a moment like that totally alone. Alone, yet surrounded by people all around me. Everyone in the same situation. So next time you’re travelling, plan ahead, find a special tune or song to listen to and just listen inwards. Take a deep breathe and just relax. Think about your blessings and count them. Think about the people you love and how much they mean to you. I like to daydream a lot (hello, I’m a Pisces) so I take the moment to think about nice memories or nice future memories that I’d like to come true. Thinking about how to achieve my dreams. All while having that special song in your headphones.
My airplane music is called Endless Skies by my favourite band in the whole world, VNV Nation.
That song is not a very typical representation of their sound, they’re more towards the industrial synth sound.

Let’s listen to this now, meditate and reflect on life:

 

What’s your airplane music?

Peace and Love,
signature.png

Unstructured Chaos

Everyday is a chaotic day in my head.
I have forgotten how to write the pain away.
Some days are more floating than others.
The memories float together in my mind,
condense into the sky where they fall down like rain.
Scattered. In pieces.
I actually like this feeling.
Liberation.
It’s a bittersweet and creative sensation.
You just need to embrace it.
Make the most of it. Be present in it.
Days pass, years go by.
The memories still remain…
They never fade away.

Peace and Love,
signature.png

My YouTube Channel

I haven’t officially introduced you to my Channel over at YouTube. Sometimes I’ve shared a few videos on this blog, but I would like to once and for all welcome you to visit me over there where there’s more interaction with me. I’m going to be uploading more content from now on so please feel free to leave a comment of video suggestions that you might have, or if you’d like to know something specific about me. I’ll be making a Q/A video in the nearest future when I’ve gathered enough variety from all medias. Links to my channel are pasted below. 🙂

Hope to see you there!

Subscribe to my Channel here.

Link to my Channel.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi

Freedom to Everyone

Things are chaotic in the world right now, and some might say, it always is. But truth be told, I haven’t always been the person watching the news or reading up on them online to keep track of everything happening in the world. My father and my sister always used to watch the news together and I found it utterly boring so I always went and did something else. In my recent years I’ve found myself to enjoy reading up on local Swedish politics and reading news; I want to do something about all the negative happenings in the world. When I got my full-time job I promised to try to give back to the society by donating a portion of my salary to X charity organisations. I’m probably a super sensitive person, but everything sad or depressive makes me cry. I can sit and cry in front of the TV for almost anything that might sound like it’s sad. Watched the documentary about Zlatan Ibrahimovic (and I don’t even like sports, nor football for that matter), and I cry because of things his father says about him when he feels proud. Is it just me? Or are people like this?

Most importantly I found the whole refugee situation in Syria devastating and it makes me cry. I cry because I feel that it shouldn’t have to be this way for people of the world. And I cry because it makes me sad that so many people of Sweden choose to vote for a political party that wants to stop these people from coming in and getting help. They deserve the same help as anyone. In an ideal world all countries wouldn’t be so strict with their boundaries, they should rather see the world as One and everyone as citizens of the same world as them. I actually get sick to my stomach that there are people who are so selfish when they have everything you could ask for in this world (a warm bed, a home to go to, a work or an income etc), and is not able to share. I know everyone is not able to help out so much, but it’s the thought that counts – seriously. If we’re open and generous, I’m hoping that the positive thought is contagious and more hope is born. Believe that we can make it through this, stronger, and with more lessons learned. I feel naïve to think that people should just be open and kind, when the reality is far from it, but I can’t help but to still have hope that there will come a change when people embrace each other as just another human being.

Ending this post with an appropriate but strong song by one of my favourite bands, Assemblage 23.

Madman’s Dream – Assemblage 23

Peace and Love,
Kimmi

Proud of my heritage

My relationship with my native country India has been up and down throughout the years. Since I’m born and raised in one of the most opposite countries to India, culture wise, that is Sweden, one can say it’s been the major reason for my very mixed cultural experience. While sitting in the flight back home, via Turkey, I’ve had my fair amount of reflection time, as I usually do while travelling places. Growing up it was a natural milestone to travel to India every other year to visit family and relatives; my parents wanted us to get a glimpse of India and our heritage from an early age. When growing up and being a teenager I found it particularly hard to motivate myself to travel there again and again. Relatives moved far away from India and soon everything I had associated with the trips would no longer be awaiting us, and perhaps it was my way of not wanting to accept change, but I briefly lost interest in India overall throughout those years.
This summer I’ve had a rewarding and thought provoking trip to India where I’ve reached a whole new level of my relationship to India, in a very positive way. Of course these kind of thoughts don’t come over night, it’s been an ongoing process mentally over the past few years, embracing my heritage and being a Swede with Indian roots. I am more than ever interested in Indian languages and regret not going from learning Punjabi to knowing Hindi at a more earlier age, so that I could be fluent while travelling all over beautiful India. I’ve come to terms with accepting the country for what it truly is; a great independant nation with all kinds of people, religions and cultures gathered in a country as big and wide as a continent. I can see the beauty in what I see out in the streets of the captal, New Delhi, or just as well travelling between cities and seeing agriculture, old houses and slums being side by  side with 5-star fancy exclusive hotel chains. Watching how people help out each other in the streets while parking your car in the most narrow street with all kinds of difficult obstacles you wouldn’t cope on your own, or just simply reaching out for each other despite being strangers. Walking side by side with the lowest ranked citizens of India’s caste system, while on the other side seeing people unbelievably wealthy. Everyone has a place in this giant naton called India, despite all injustices that exist. I just wish I could do more for the poor people, I want to save them all from this horrible poverty. By travelling to a country like India, you can’t help but to involve all your senses and emotions, even the ones you thought you have forgotten about in comfortable and safe Sweden/Scandinavia, they all become alive and floods through your system and it makes you more compassionate. You embrace the world with all its flaws and don’t just take your calm good life for granted when you get home. The important thing after all is that these emotions and thoughts don’t stop or shut down just because you travel home. I will forever be grateful to my family for introducing me to my heritage and home country so I can in turn make my future children know where they came from and also feel this sense of pride that I finally can say that I do.

Allergic to everything

I’ve never really written about something that consumes all my daily life, and it has for the past 20 years. I’m 25 and I’ve always had allergies for as long as I can remember. I’ve always cheated with what I can allow myself to eat because I thought I could get away with it, by telling myself – it’s not that bad, the reactions could be worse. The result of that has always been endless nights of constant itching attacks and not being able to hinder myself even in public, and it just gets worse if I eat more of the food I’m allergic to. The scratching turns into the skin bleeding and then it becomes rashes and it’s out of control already…

Recent months I’ve become more interested in becoming more fit and training at the gym properly to gain muscles and weight. To be able to accomplish that I needed to exceed my intake of protein, which had never earlier crossed my mind. I actually ate way too little protein before so I needed to take extra by drinking some protein shakes after the exercises. Then I realised that the most popular protein shake is usually made out of milk protein, which is also one of those ingredients I’ve been neglecting that the doctors told me that I’m allergic to (or at least according to the tests)

These realisations made me more aware of what I put into my body so I decided to make a clean start when I moved to Stockholm. I contacted the doctor to start a new investigation so they’re able to take new allergy tests. I’ve started the process but I’m far from getting the tests done or getting the results of those. But what counts is that I’ve taken the steps that are necessary to understand my body a bit more.
This realisation also made me more determined to avoid everything that came up in the tests back in 2007. I started writing a list,  a list that was long overdue, a list I’ve been avoiding to make for the longest time, because I thought I could cheat and still feel okay. It’s not okay, it’s my body and I want to feel good and be healthy. If that means I need to cut down on some of the good stuff, then I need to find other good stuff. I love cooking food, especially with all ingredients I’m allergic to. I can still do that, but to feed others. When it comes to me, things have got to change.

I’m happy to hear some of your stories if you have anything similar to share. Do you have many allergies and how do you cope in your daily life? Please share your story with me in the comments below.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi

New City – Friends

Today is the first day since my move that I felt a little lonely even though I was amongst people. I have never been the type that would rely my whole life on someone or some people to entertain me or to hang out with. But today I felt like this new city life, the tough parts of it, are catching up on me. To have some own friends to just call up and go out with, to go downtown shopping with someone who just happened to be nearby.. all those things. I do have some friends in this town to start with but you need to build a network slowly and that’s what bothered me today, that I don’t have that starting point that people usually do when they’ve lived in a city all their lives. I need to work out how to get a little more acquainted with the city so I can find myself around a lot easier and to meet new people that I can call my friends.

I went to a café today to write in my book. Anyone who writes knows what a struggle it is to keep that spirit going and to keep on writing even the days when you feel like it’s not giving the results you want. I love the topic I’m writing about and it gives me strength and hope in my everyday life; so I love the process when I’m actually in the process and writing. It’s all about getting in the process in the first place, to sit down and start writing those few first words that get you into a flow. The flow is all you’re looking for, but that’s usually what hinders you as well. What if you can’t find the words, what if it doesn’t become as you want it to, etc.. That’s just your mind putting doubts in you. I believe it’s all about getting those moments for yourself and write from your heart, then all the words you want to write that particular day, they will come to you, the flow will come to you.

I’m going to be updating you all about my writing soon in another blog post, some more details about what I’m writing about. If you’re interested to find out a little bit, there’s a post further down that explains a little bit on a higher level what topics it covers.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi

Wherever you will go

Just heard the captain in the flight say “wish you a pleasant evening wherever you go next” and it sounded so nice. Wherever you will go next in life kind of. We’re always on our way to places and on the move, that’s what I’ve felt like the past few years when I look back. I always look back to my past and into my future and all kinds of thoughts pop into my head when I take a flight somewhere. It’s amazing how such a small thing seems to affect me so much and puts me in a reflective state of mind. Always. I even have specific special songs that I’ve downloaded from Spotify to my phone so I don’t have any trouble listening to them in my flight in case they wouldn’t have Wi-Fi. Those songs are usually the ones putting me into that state of mind but they’re also a bit melancholic in tune. I guess that’s what I prefer listening to when thinking over things. I like the feeling of sadness and how it makes you appreciate things. Music is truly powerful and it can make you want to remember what the song means to you and what memories it brings up to the surface that might have been hidden for years. While other songs are meant to just make you forget the moment right now and fly into another world where everything is just the way you want it to be – free.
I will share one of the songs I listen to in airplanes. What’s your airplane music?

Peace and love,
Kimmi

Older posts Newer posts

© 2018 Kimmi Madeline

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑