Category: Personal (page 1 of 4)

This is page all my personal interest will go.

My door is not wide open

I just came came back from a Reiki session that went on for like 70 min. In the south of Stockholm there’s a place called Crea Diem which I found online in a spontaneous whim. I think my body knew that I needed this today. It was my birthday yesterday and every year has its ups and downs. All emotions were enhanced when I woke up this morning after. I always carry around a huge sorrow and melancholy in my chest which is hard to describe, and I guess I am not sure why either. Sometimes I think it’s just the combination of being a scattered Pisces with Libra moon. The struggle of the two fishes swimming in opposite directions for as long as I can remember.

Reiki healing

The Reiki healing itself was exactly what I needed today to balance myself on these emotional days. After the session I was talking to the guy who performed the healing, and he was telling me what I should think about so I don’t get so low and all in my head with these thoughts and feelings. I didn’t need to tell him about my pain, it was visible in my heart. I should stop listening to what everyone else thinks and feels about my life and start tuning inwards and listen to what I want, because that is the hardest thing for me. I always get lost on the way of listening to other people who don’t even know the half of my inner true voice. Can you really expect anyone to ever know you completely? One thing I have noticed though is that the few people who have given me Reiki healing have always gotten to know my inner struggle and what I’m battling with constantly. It’s amazing how you can hide some things from everyone subconsciously but not at all from the ones who have practiced with the energy. He has my respect. The Reiki master. 🙏🏽

When the pain in your heart is slowly dissolving and trying to go away, it doesn’t go quietly. Tears are needed to flush away all the pain and suffering from all the accumulated years. I already feel a little lighter today.

Peace and love,

Kimmi Madeline

Psoas muscle, Solar Plexus & “dharn” | Ayurveda + Western Medicine

I have experience of going to a physical therapist for what I would describe the condition as restless legs, although this was never diagnosed nor was it ever mentioned by anyone. While I’ve been having my sessions, I have tried to get to the bottom of the problem. It isn’t that big of a deal really, that’s why I haven’t prioritised it until now; it’s just been at the back of my head. We’re not meant to sit still all our day in front of a desk, and years of doing it has taken it’s toll I assume. I realised that I want my body to be as healthy as possible for my age, and sitting still is surely not going to help me nor is it going to fix the whole “restless legs” issue. I have now been able to connect three different areas of knowledge about the same isse; Ayurveda and the Chakra system and Western medicine.

It all started when I was coming back home from a trip to Paris, and we were sitting in a bus from the airport which was unfortunately located 80min outside of Stockholm. We were coming home late in the evening, which I didn’t think much of at the time of booking, but during the bus trip I cursed my former self for even thinking of booking such late tickets. I had this creeping sensation in my legs as if there were something crawling underneath my skin around my knees and thighs, I couldn’t even describe it properly. If I moved around my legs it became better, but only for 2 seconds, so I sat there forcefully trying to move around my legs for the entirety of the trip. If one doesn’t go mental then this might. I let this situation pass and didn’t think much of it until I found myself in a similar situation and I put two and two together. A cinema visit late in the evening, which was basically the same time, having to sit still in the same spot and not being able to get up (unless I wanted to be a pain and let the whole row know my pain).

Months passed and I started getting really frustrated, turning down friends’ offers to go to the cinema or anything that required late evening sitting still. The criteria for seeking professional help has always been, if it interferes in your daily routine, so I went to the doctor.
Said and done, tests were completed, results came back and nothing was wrong physically. Just to be on the safe side, CAT scans were done and some weeks later the results came back – nothing abnormal! The doctor suggested me to contact a physical therapist if my issues continued – I gave the issue a rest for almost a year.

During my first visit to the physical therapist she did a bunch of physical exams, looking at my spine, checking my legs when I’m lifting something, the flexibility etc. One of the tests involved massaging to the right and left of the navel while I was lying down. I am a very high pain tolerant person, but this pressure of her fingers in my stomach hurt like hell, more so on one side than the other. She said that it’s the hip muscle, more properly called Psoas muscle that seemed tense or short. I wanted to know more, so I have ever since read a lot about it, trying to massage myself, and doing the exercises that were given to me by her. Now to the interesting part.

Throughout my whole life, I have heard about the punjabi/hindi word dharn which is basically an imbalance in the solar plexus area, or what some call it a “navel displacement”. The Ayurveda and ancient Indian way to describe this has never really had a good equivalent in Western medicine and I believe that is why there isn’t a holistic view on this problem. I fully believe that the psoas muscle being strained and tense is only ONE way to describe the problem.  The other connections to the same problem are the 3rd chakra, solar plexus being imbalanced which causes physical symptoms in the body after going long enough with the imbalance. How do we resolve this problem?

The Chakras. Solar Plexus is the Yellow wheel in the core of the body

According to my physical therapist I only needed to do my exercises that she had given me, which I’ve done for a year and haven’t noticed a huge change in posture nor the core strength which is key here. Changing habits is the main key here. Being more active and not sit still for longer periods of time. Take breaks, walk in the nature, do yoga and stretch. Practicing mindfulness and meditate daily has started to create a shift in me lately. I can sense that when I incorporate both Western medicine and the old ancient Indian Ayurveda find solutions to dharn; it will work. It’s not an easy solution, I believe it’s more of a lifestyle change, back to how we used to be; hundreds of years ago. We’ve become too convenient and lazy lately, that’s only the truth. It’s harsh but if we don’t do anything about it now, the issues will just increase.

If you have an issue with restless legs syndrom or psoas muscle, try looking at your body as a whole. Listen to your body, what does it need that it so desperately wants you to notice? More movement, more healthy food and/or more calmness?

I will keep you posted on my progress and will post a video on Youtube in a few weeks on this topic.

Namaste,
Peace and Love,
Kimmi Madeline

 

Mumbai Dreams…

It’s been 2 ½ weeks since we came back from India this time around. The India fever has been running high ever since I came back home, been binge-watching Hindi films during these past few weeks to try to grasp for the last few straws of India that I had left in me from the trip. Why do I feel this way these days? Am I making up for all those years when I didn’t feel that I belonged neither here or there? Am I getting more sentimental with time, more than I already am? I don’t have an answer to all these questions, all I know is that writing has been my only saviour; it helps me cope with my complicated and scattered emotions about belonging.

I just started reading the book The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and have also watched the film by Mira Nair based on the same novel. That film hit a spot in my heart and I can’t help but to cry tears of recognition and melancholy. The pain and the suffering is too close to heart. Writing these words after watching the film, aren’t written without a tear in my eyes. At least they clean the vision and hopefully I can see clearly now what I have long wanted to see. Me and who I truly am. There’s never been a need to pretend but I didn’t realise that when I was younger. You don’t have to try to fit in when you know you don’t. Being unique is what is best.

Ever since the second day of visiting Mumbai in November, I knew that I had found my missing piece of inspiration. My long lost inspiration for writing my story, my book. I found it again, in the heart of Mumbai. I could see the waves coming into the shore and we were driving by the south side of Mumbai, feeling the breeze from the opened window. My hair was getting messy in the wind, but I didn’t mind at all, I felt at peace. I knew I had found my way back, to my core. I think that’s why I have had my “identity crisis” with the endless watching of Hindi films, trying to see if I can relate to any of it. I don’t feel the need to relate anymore, I already know what was missing all along. My acceptance.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Niroopinder Madeline

my missing puzzle piece.

India, it’s been a while since I told you what I really feel. It’s not like I didn’t care or forgot about you, but I guess I hadn’t found my way home. In my heart. And my aching soul.

While growing up I lost a piece of me here and I couldn’t find it for over a decade. I was always looking to find my way back to that part of me. It was disconnected for so long. I almost forgot. I almost lost you. Disconnected.

I never understood the lump in my throat. Hidden emotions stacked under the surface. Ready to burst at any moment. Triggered by the invisible pain. Deep down in my soul.

A ray of infinite light has enlightened me now. I can see you clearly now. You were always there for me. Right in front of me. Day or night. Dark or light.

It was here all along. My forgotten puzzle piece. It was so hard to find. I didn’t forget about you. I was just lost. But you, still accept me for who I am. For that I am grateful. For that I am proud. Proud to call you my home.

Dealing with Depression

Inspiration: 2010 12 19 – video footage of talking to myself, suicidal thoughts.

No one can tell you how you feel. They're not inside your mind and know your thoughts. You, and only you know your truth. Always.

I found a video footage of me talking in a vlog to myself in 2010 12 19 about being severely depressed. I talked about the fact that I seriously needed to seek help for it or talk to someone. People think it's always so easy to just reach out and tell people that you're depressed, but truth me told, from own experience, it's hard to even tell yourself to start with. You just starting to feel low about everything around you, nothing feels as fun as it used to be anymore. When you get too deep that's when you really need a hand, but it might already be consuming you from the inside – which was what was happening to me on 19th of December of 2010. It had happened to me in the past, it wasn't the first time I felt this bad so in a way I thought it would pass. You can't just shrug it off, it affects every single aspect of your life. It's not always caused by a specific reason, which many people seem to think.
The video I found was on my real old hard drive that I found today. It was very difficult watching the whole 10 minute long video, because I could see the hopelessness in my eyes and my voice. I wanted to just tell her that things will get better, and that I should brace myself for more of these moments to come, but I would be able to handle them better over time. I feel that there shouldn't be so much taboo regarding these mental illnesses, people wouldn't be as afraid of admitting it to themselves at first or let alone tell someone about it.
For me it's always been my biggest and darkest place inside me that always finds me when I least expect it. Happiness has nothing to do with it. Depression can still consume you. Happy or sad.

 

Poem from late 2014

The inner calm is so fragile and becomes easily unsteady

When the storm hits your heart you embrace the vibes

Closing my eyes to find myself in a different world

Quiet, peaceful and reminiscent of a road to light my way

The road to creative abundance is my fulfillment in life

A moment just like in heaven is how I want to be with you.

 

Floating barely under the surface of your love

I’ve been overwhelmed by your generous affection

My inner wound of pain is slowly healing with your touch

I just need a glass filled with your love to carry on

Your light brightens the shadows behind my eyes

The gloomy shadows are slowly diminishing from my soul

Your warmth embrace ensured me security when being lost

Your love was the medicine I needed, only love

 

I was running away for so long

There was so much pain to hide

Every soul I met could only see my shell

I was wearing a mask that was dying inside

Became foggy and overheated at times

Ran for so long I forgot how to be free

Forgot how to breathe from within

Telling the world the truth wasn’t the answer

The mask would break into pieces

Would never be who I used to be anymore

I would have to be the truth – and be myself

Own my truth

Open and honest. Totally raw.

London Baby! | Pictures from last Weekend

I’ll soon be uploading a short little vlog to my YouTube Channel from our last London trip 31st of March to 2nd of April. For now you can take a sneak peek at some pictures below!
Peace and Love,

 

Bucket list for 2017

It's been very inspiring to read other people's promises and goals to accomplish during the next coming year. I want to take a moment and document at least some of the things I would like to do and complete during the year of 2017. Without goals and something to look forward to it's easy to just get stuck in a wheel of the same mundane things.

(The list is not ordered chronologically.)

  • Travel. A weekend in Berlin, London and Scotland is already on my list for short 3-4 day trips. Other trips will be planned depending on plans and/or business plans and vacations.
  • Vipassana meditation. I really hope that I will be able to complete a Vipassana during a trip to India or in Sweden. I believe it might be more possible with India since I can go during next winter. I don't think there will be time for that during summer in Sweden; and I want to have good weather when I go to the Vipassana centre. I'd rather have that experience alone but I'll ask a friend or two if they want to join. Share the experience.
  • Writing my book. I have had a long break from my book writing due to personal reasons. I need to reevaluate my story direction and almost start over my writing, unfortunately. I will make a plan for the book during my current India trip now in December 2016.
  • Meditate daily. I know I've been having this on my list for ages, and it comes back every now and then, but it's crucial for my mental health to wind down and be peaceful on the inside.
  • Exercise 2-3 times a week. Yoga, Pilates and weight training.
  • Improve my stamina by starting to jog. Apply for a 5km run with a friend to have as a goal.
  • Practice to be more mindful.
  • Watch Darren Hayes' musical in London or somewhere in Europe whenever he is finished with it.
  • See the one-man-band Assemblage 23 live for the first time (of many). Waited for around 8-9 years. Those lyrics he writes are some of the best in the genre of futurepop/EBM.
  • Practice riding a bike and become more confident again. It's been years since I knew how to, and I guess you never really forget, I just need to be good at driving it in traffic as well.
  • I don't plan on taking my driver's license during 2017, but I plan on practicing driving again and be more confident in traffic. I knew how to 2-3 years ago but that was before my laser eye surgery. Now I need to spend weekends every now and then to just get into the routine and then eventually when it's in my priority I will apply for and take the license.

What's your bucket list for 2017? Share and link to yours below so we can all take part and be inspired. 

Peace and love,

Global Communication

Since my teenage years I’ve always been very interested in knowing people from all over the world via the Internet communities. It used to be so friendly to create great friendships over the web through forums and online communities back in the days. I feel as though those times have changed and it’s not as simple to get to know people with same type of interests as you since forums are not as popular as they used to. Now we have Youtube and we have Facebook groups, they fill the function but they are not as personal.

I remember being part of mailing lists for certain subjects that are so specific that you almost require people that have sought out this place to feel a real and honest connection. It was true and pure. I quite miss those times sometimes or feel the need to try to recreate them in other ways through blogs, Youtube and other social media.
Some of my deepest connections have been with people I’ve gotten to know online through common interests or kept chatting with online to remain friends despite living in different ends of the world. Maybe it’s because we really truly get to know the person’s inner core of what they value and what they want and how their true personality is, without the need for superficiality. What is better than a real deep conversation that spans over subjects from heaven to earth?

What if we didn’t have the means to be able to communicate during the time we’re not in the same place on Earth? We wouldn’t be able to stay in touch or actually know the people anymore, because time would have made the connections fade away. That’s why I’ve always appreciated the technology that allows us to keep in contact with friends and family all over the world.

I know reality is far from the tv-series Friends and maybe that’s a very unrealistic way of living and knowing your friends, but I wonder how it would be if everyone were in the same city. Being spread all over the world is also a barrier to really keep the contact frequent and close. Despite all of this I still believe that if you can get through these barriers and still manage to find the time and make the effort to stay connected, I think these types of friendships are stronger than others.

There is, unfortunately, these days, not so easy to find deep connections with people. It seems as though the everyday life is only able to focus on the surface. Rushing through life without stopping to reflect, think and to connect with others – that’s a shame.
So stop for a second and just appreciate those you care about around you, and spend time with them, be present with them, listen and leave your other thoughts behind.

Peace and Love,
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Laser Eye Surgery – 2 year 10 month UPDATE

Last month I made an update on Youtube regarding my PRK/Laser eye surgery. I got the first surgery done on 12th of Dec 2013 and the follow-up surgery for my left eye was done in March this year (2016). The reason for the follow-up surgery was to remove the scarring in the eyes that occurred after the initial surgery. After a lot of waiting and treatment with different eye drops over the course of 2 years, we finally did the first touch up surgery to correct the “haze” in the eyes that caused blurry vision.

I have made a follow up video where I talk about the next steps, and what we intend to do onwards in the process of solving the issues. My next surgery for my right eye would be scheduled for the beginning of next year and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the outcome will be just as good as the left eye. Check out the video below if you’re interested in the current situation and how it’s going. Subscribe to my channel over at Youtube if you’re interested in knowing when I upload a new video.  Write to me over at Youtube or down below in the comments if you have a question or asking for advice, I’m happy to answer and give my opinion since this is a topic close to me.

Peace and Love,
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