My door is not wide open

I just came came back from a Reiki session that went on for like 70 min. In the south of Stockholm there’s a place called Crea Diem which I found online in a spontaneous whim. I think my body knew that I needed this today. It was my birthday yesterday and every year has its ups and downs. All emotions were enhanced when I woke up this morning after. I always carry around a huge sorrow and melancholy in my chest which is hard to describe, and I guess I am not sure why either. Sometimes I think it’s just the combination of being a scattered Pisces with Libra moon. The struggle of the two fishes swimming in opposite directions for as long as I can remember.

Reiki healing

The Reiki healing itself was exactly what I needed today to balance myself on these emotional days. After the session I was talking to the guy who performed the healing, and he was telling me what I should think about so I don’t get so low and all in my head with these thoughts and feelings. I didn’t need to tell him about my pain, it was visible in my heart. I should stop listening to what everyone else thinks and feels about my life and start tuning inwards and listen to what I want, because that is the hardest thing for me. I always get lost on the way of listening to other people who don’t even know the half of my inner true voice. Can you really expect anyone to ever know you completely? One thing I have noticed though is that the few people who have given me Reiki healing have always gotten to know my inner struggle and what I’m battling with constantly. It’s amazing how you can hide some things from everyone subconsciously but not at all from the ones who have practiced with the energy. He has my respect. The Reiki master. 🙏🏽

When the pain in your heart is slowly dissolving and trying to go away, it doesn’t go quietly. Tears are needed to flush away all the pain and suffering from all the accumulated years. I already feel a little lighter today.

Peace and love,

Kimmi Madeline

Malala is my inspiration | Women empowerment

I just finished watching the documentary about Malala. The Nobel Peace prize winner. I’m in awe of her mental strength and determination. I am so inspired by her and she reminded me about my fight for women’s freedom. We easily take these things for granted here in Sweden but the struggle is hard for those that are from a similar background. Religion and culture go hand in hand many times and we’re affected by centuries of treating women as less than men. Or not get the same rights to education or freedom in life similarly. I’ve been crying so much throughout this documentary, not only because of how much she affected my emotions but also because she reminded me of a side of myself that I’ve kept quiet for so long. My inner voice was silent but the tears were real. They don’t lie and they’re never quiet.

Yoga for Mind, Body and Soul

It’s now become 10 years since I first went to my yoga and meditation class in Gothenburg. I remember how I used to love those 90 min classes late in the evening because it was a time that was only dedicated to myself and my practise. My teacher was from Norway but he lived and worked in Sweden. He had changed his name to an old Indian version of his own name, and he had practised yoga for over 30 years back then. I recently looked up if he’s still a teacher at the same place, and he is, isn’t that amazing. 40 years of yoga knowledge. He was the first teacher that inspired me to pursue yoga for my own mental health and spiritual evolvement. Years passed and I had some rocky years in my early twenties, but I still always came back to yoga, even if I had a longer break. I took classes of yoga at the gym, did some on my own in my student flat, whatever so that I didn’t totally lose the connection.

When I moved to Stockholm in 2014, I took some yoga classes at the gym and there were many different teachers there. Most are only into yoga as a fitness alternative and that isn’t the whole experience of yoga according to me and many other yogis, it’s a much more wholesome and spiritual and inward experience and development that is beyond anything physical. Out of all those average yoga gym teachers there was one that stood out in the crowd, he always used the right terms for all the asanas and always referred back to the ancient traditions of yoga; unlike many other yoga teachers in Sweden.
Although I didn’t stay for very long in that gym membership and for some reason got stuck in a 2 year membership at a place I didn’t enjoy as much.

I recently switched back and booked a yoga class and to my surprise the same teacher is still there and having classes. It seems that he’s been practising yoga for 30 years and is such a huge inspiration not only to me but everyone who comes to his classes. The class always begins with some 5 minutes of talking about the intentions, the planet movements and moon placement in different astrology signs and what it means to us. I love the feeling of being totally connected to the 25-30 people in the class and share the same experience as I do in the same time and space. That feeling is quite remarkable and powerful, it can truly change the world for the better.

I plan to attend a yoga retreat in the end of the year in India, although I haven’t decided on what or where to go for it. Would be nice with some place in south India, such as beautiful Kerala or similar. I will let that thought mature in my head through the year and decide on it until summer time.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Madeline

Psoas muscle, Solar Plexus & “dharn” | Ayurveda + Western Medicine

I have experience of going to a physical therapist for what I would describe the condition as restless legs, although this was never diagnosed nor was it ever mentioned by anyone. While I’ve been having my sessions, I have tried to get to the bottom of the problem. It isn’t that big of a deal really, that’s why I haven’t prioritised it until now; it’s just been at the back of my head. We’re not meant to sit still all our day in front of a desk, and years of doing it has taken it’s toll I assume. I realised that I want my body to be as healthy as possible for my age, and sitting still is surely not going to help me nor is it going to fix the whole “restless legs” issue. I have now been able to connect three different areas of knowledge about the same isse; Ayurveda and the Chakra system and Western medicine.

It all started when I was coming back home from a trip to Paris, and we were sitting in a bus from the airport which was unfortunately located 80min outside of Stockholm. We were coming home late in the evening, which I didn’t think much of at the time of booking, but during the bus trip I cursed my former self for even thinking of booking such late tickets. I had this creeping sensation in my legs as if there were something crawling underneath my skin around my knees and thighs, I couldn’t even describe it properly. If I moved around my legs it became better, but only for 2 seconds, so I sat there forcefully trying to move around my legs for the entirety of the trip. If one doesn’t go mental then this might. I let this situation pass and didn’t think much of it until I found myself in a similar situation and I put two and two together. A cinema visit late in the evening, which was basically the same time, having to sit still in the same spot and not being able to get up (unless I wanted to be a pain and let the whole row know my pain).

Months passed and I started getting really frustrated, turning down friends’ offers to go to the cinema or anything that required late evening sitting still. The criteria for seeking professional help has always been, if it interferes in your daily routine, so I went to the doctor.
Said and done, tests were completed, results came back and nothing was wrong physically. Just to be on the safe side, CAT scans were done and some weeks later the results came back – nothing abnormal! The doctor suggested me to contact a physical therapist if my issues continued – I gave the issue a rest for almost a year.

During my first visit to the physical therapist she did a bunch of physical exams, looking at my spine, checking my legs when I’m lifting something, the flexibility etc. One of the tests involved massaging to the right and left of the navel while I was lying down. I am a very high pain tolerant person, but this pressure of her fingers in my stomach hurt like hell, more so on one side than the other. She said that it’s the hip muscle, more properly called Psoas muscle that seemed tense or short. I wanted to know more, so I have ever since read a lot about it, trying to massage myself, and doing the exercises that were given to me by her. Now to the interesting part.

Throughout my whole life, I have heard about the punjabi/hindi word dharn which is basically an imbalance in the solar plexus area, or what some call it a “navel displacement”. The Ayurveda and ancient Indian way to describe this has never really had a good equivalent in Western medicine and I believe that is why there isn’t a holistic view on this problem. I fully believe that the psoas muscle being strained and tense is only ONE way to describe the problem.  The other connections to the same problem are the 3rd chakra, solar plexus being imbalanced which causes physical symptoms in the body after going long enough with the imbalance. How do we resolve this problem?

The Chakras. Solar Plexus is the Yellow wheel in the core of the body

According to my physical therapist I only needed to do my exercises that she had given me, which I’ve done for a year and haven’t noticed a huge change in posture nor the core strength which is key here. Changing habits is the main key here. Being more active and not sit still for longer periods of time. Take breaks, walk in the nature, do yoga and stretch. Practicing mindfulness and meditate daily has started to create a shift in me lately. I can sense that when I incorporate both Western medicine and the old ancient Indian Ayurveda find solutions to dharn; it will work. It’s not an easy solution, I believe it’s more of a lifestyle change, back to how we used to be; hundreds of years ago. We’ve become too convenient and lazy lately, that’s only the truth. It’s harsh but if we don’t do anything about it now, the issues will just increase.

If you have an issue with restless legs syndrom or psoas muscle, try looking at your body as a whole. Listen to your body, what does it need that it so desperately wants you to notice? More movement, more healthy food and/or more calmness?

I will keep you posted on my progress and will post a video on Youtube in a few weeks on this topic.

Namaste,
Peace and Love,
Kimmi Madeline

 

Ayurvedic Health Potion – My Morning Routine

When I wake up in the morning, at 5:00 am (I know it sounds early, but I decided not to adapt completely to Swedish time after coming back from India), I start by making my health potion. I start by boiling up water and while it’s getting to the right temperature I start adding all the different herbs and spices into my large 50 cl cup. I believe it’s important to have a large cup for this health potion, because otherwise it becomes too strong and not as easy to drink. I heat it up again after I’ve drank half the cup, because I’m a very slow drinker.

The ingredients that I use are:

  • 1 tsp of organic matcha tea from Japan
  • 1/3 tsp of ashwagandha (ayurvedic herb)
  • 1 dash of tulsi powder (holy Indian basil)
  • 1/4 tsp of organic ginger powder
  • 1/3 tsp of cinnamon
  • 1 dash of organic turmeric
  • optional: raw unprocessed sugar to taste (I try not to add any sugar, but in the beginning it might help with the taste)
  • boiling water
  • oat milk or any other vegetable milk substitute of your choice

I add all the dry ingredients in my cup and start pouring a little boiling water at a time to mix all the herbs together. I fill up slightly more than half the cup with boiling water and add oat milk to fill it up, that is also depending on taste and preference.

I feel energised and very refreshed by drinking this health potion. My hormones are getting back into a nice balance, I can really feel my body changing for the better with these simple steps towards a more healthy lifestyle.

green tea

After drinking the tea, I go on with doing my yoga exercise routine, mostly just for 15-30 min, but I intend to increase it gradually.

Hope this is helpful to anyone out there, and let me know if you have any questions and I will get back to you.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Madeline

Mumbai Dreams…

It’s been 2 ½ weeks since we came back from India this time around. The India fever has been running high ever since I came back home, been binge-watching Hindi films during these past few weeks to try to grasp for the last few straws of India that I had left in me from the trip. Why do I feel this way these days? Am I making up for all those years when I didn’t feel that I belonged neither here or there? Am I getting more sentimental with time, more than I already am? I don’t have an answer to all these questions, all I know is that writing has been my only saviour; it helps me cope with my complicated and scattered emotions about belonging.

I just started reading the book The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and have also watched the film by Mira Nair based on the same novel. That film hit a spot in my heart and I can’t help but to cry tears of recognition and melancholy. The pain and the suffering is too close to heart. Writing these words after watching the film, aren’t written without a tear in my eyes. At least they clean the vision and hopefully I can see clearly now what I have long wanted to see. Me and who I truly am. There’s never been a need to pretend but I didn’t realise that when I was younger. You don’t have to try to fit in when you know you don’t. Being unique is what is best.

Ever since the second day of visiting Mumbai in November, I knew that I had found my missing piece of inspiration. My long lost inspiration for writing my story, my book. I found it again, in the heart of Mumbai. I could see the waves coming into the shore and we were driving by the south side of Mumbai, feeling the breeze from the opened window. My hair was getting messy in the wind, but I didn’t mind at all, I felt at peace. I knew I had found my way back, to my core. I think that’s why I have had my “identity crisis” with the endless watching of Hindi films, trying to see if I can relate to any of it. I don’t feel the need to relate anymore, I already know what was missing all along. My acceptance.

Peace and Love,
Kimmi Niroopinder Madeline

Poem: Creatures of the sea.

Poem: Creatures of the sea.

fishes in the sea

One thought. One dream. One soul.
You can hear my voice
Deep within my soul
Calling out your name
Swimming to the shore
As one we are together.

Oceans apart,
You can still hear me
Words are drowning in
Telepathic waves,
My heart is yearning for
Peace of mind.

Connecting spirits
No matter the distance
No matter the time
We are always online
Truly divine
Creatures of the sea.

my missing puzzle piece.

India, it’s been a while since I told you what I really feel. It’s not like I didn’t care or forgot about you, but I guess I hadn’t found my way home. In my heart. And my aching soul.

While growing up I lost a piece of me here and I couldn’t find it for over a decade. I was always looking to find my way back to that part of me. It was disconnected for so long. I almost forgot. I almost lost you. Disconnected.

I never understood the lump in my throat. Hidden emotions stacked under the surface. Ready to burst at any moment. Triggered by the invisible pain. Deep down in my soul.

A ray of infinite light has enlightened me now. I can see you clearly now. You were always there for me. Right in front of me. Day or night. Dark or light.

It was here all along. My forgotten puzzle piece. It was so hard to find. I didn’t forget about you. I was just lost. But you, still accept me for who I am. For that I am grateful. For that I am proud. Proud to call you my home.

Audio Books | Yay or Nay?

I have an account at Good Reads where I update every now and then which books I'd like to read and which books I'm currently reading. I love that platform because you can review and find books so easily and share it with your friends. What I'm not as good at is to actually read the books I enter into my Good Reads account. Either I have to buy a bunch of books, which I do every now and then, but I also have to carry them in my purse to be able to read them on the metro or tram. I have come to the conclusion that it's not working out very well for me, this way of reading. I love books and I love that they give us insights into topics or stories we never have heard before. So I would like to read a lot more from my list of "to-read" books.

I came across a free try out subscription of an app via work, which we may use for 45 days to listen to audio books. When I was younger I had made up my mind that I am not an audio books kind of person, because I didn't think I had the focus or concentration for following someone else reading it aloud for me – I had imagined that I need to read along in the text to be able to understand whatever the person is saying. I can admit that to some extent it might still be a little true, but given the right situation, mindset and also believe it or not, headphones – I don't normally have a problem with that anymore. If I use more noise-cancelling headphones and I am not distraught with other thoughts or stressed over something, it can be pretty nice to have someone else read the story aloud for you while you're walking down the streets or passing through a lot of people in the metro. It gives me a whole new dimension to the otherwise pretty boring commute through the big city, I even get to learn something new on the way to work.

It all started with podcasts actually. I started listening to a Swedish podcast which deals with philosophical questions, called "Filosofiska Rummet", it's a very reflective talk-show with very interesting guests and questions that they're discussing and sometimes able to answer in their own way. I love walking down streets listening to philosophical debates and having my own thoughts lingering on while I hear their reasoning.
Or the podcast from Darren Hayes (ex. Savage Garden) with his friend Anthony Armentano discussing and analysing films they've watched during the week. "We Paid to See this" it's called, a highly recommended podcast to listen to if you're interested in finding out about which films you really should go for and which ones you can safely stay away from without missing a thing.

A light-hearted comedic spoiler free movie podcast focusing on the week's new cinema releases. Darren Hayes and Anthony Armentano spend their hard earned (or borrowed) cash to see the latest film releases and tell you what they thought. Because they don't get in for free, their opinions are honest. Honestly! May contain funny bits (they're both Groundlings trained improvisers) and strange non sequiturs (Anthony has a degree in film and Darren has an Olympic medal in rambling). Maybe some naughty words too. – iTunes

These podcasts were the ones making me take the step to listening to audio books eventually.

 I don't know what happened after my mid-twenties, but I have become much more thirsty for knowledge. Every day has to teach me new things, I crave new information more than I did back in school. It's strange that it just gradually became this hobby of wanting to know more about certain topics, I actually enjoy it and I'm glad for this new found interest.
I'm going to become better at reflecting those thoughts on my platform here in this blog. Sometimes it feels much better to be able to share it in writing rather than walking around with thoughts that aren't complete. It seems as though when I write sometimes I get into a flow and the thoughts just finish themselves.

Peace and love,

Dealing with Depression

Inspiration: 2010 12 19 – video footage of talking to myself, suicidal thoughts.

No one can tell you how you feel. They're not inside your mind and know your thoughts. You, and only you know your truth. Always.

I found a video footage of me talking in a vlog to myself in 2010 12 19 about being severely depressed. I talked about the fact that I seriously needed to seek help for it or talk to someone. People think it's always so easy to just reach out and tell people that you're depressed, but truth me told, from own experience, it's hard to even tell yourself to start with. You just starting to feel low about everything around you, nothing feels as fun as it used to be anymore. When you get too deep that's when you really need a hand, but it might already be consuming you from the inside – which was what was happening to me on 19th of December of 2010. It had happened to me in the past, it wasn't the first time I felt this bad so in a way I thought it would pass. You can't just shrug it off, it affects every single aspect of your life. It's not always caused by a specific reason, which many people seem to think.
The video I found was on my real old hard drive that I found today. It was very difficult watching the whole 10 minute long video, because I could see the hopelessness in my eyes and my voice. I wanted to just tell her that things will get better, and that I should brace myself for more of these moments to come, but I would be able to handle them better over time. I feel that there shouldn't be so much taboo regarding these mental illnesses, people wouldn't be as afraid of admitting it to themselves at first or let alone tell someone about it.
For me it's always been my biggest and darkest place inside me that always finds me when I least expect it. Happiness has nothing to do with it. Depression can still consume you. Happy or sad.

 

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