I listened to this song before I went to India (Aaya Na Tu), and when I was in the car on a roadtrip between two cities it was playing on the radio. There’s usually one or two songs that I associate with a trip, and this is one of them. The second one is Baarish which was playing in the cab the last night in Delhi before leaving India. The music video from that film is a little cringe, I wouldn’t bother watching that film.
The flight is due to land at Indira Gandhi airport of New Delhi and the plane is travelling across the large city, passing through the thick layer of clouds, smog and pollution. When the plane is close to landing, the whole large metal cylinder is filled with a familiar smell or scent of India, something that others might find repulsive. But to me it’s filled with memories, emotions and a touch of belonging. Tears are filled up in my eyes when the plane hits the ground. I’m home. Once again.
The hotel we stayed at isn’t worth mentioning due to the overall experience wasn’t all too well, but there were some highlights of the service level and staff that is worth mentioning. The two nights in Delhi were a good touch-down base before our onward departuring to Punjab. You get a moment of acclimatising to the Indian climate, food and the senses get hightened.
I have been writing a lot through the years about belonging and identity since it has always been a struggle for me, being born in Sweden and having roots from such a colourful culture that is India. The clash between these two extreme worlds has been both a blessing and a curse, since it has opened me up to so much inner personal development I never would have been striving for if it weren’t for being torn in two directions. I have previously written about being a TCK in a world of being around people that have almost no other mixed background, which makes you feel different and strange from time to time. When I during the recent years found myself searching more inwards in my own identity crisis and started to accept that I am fine the way I am, both Swedish and Indian, I was able to grow strength to be able to tell my story. I felt for the first time that I was able to connect with other people that have a similar background, and my creativity became more heightened.
The last day at the Delhi hotel, we ate dinner in the restaurant at the hotel to be a bit more convenient and also to not have to rush around in Delhi traffic at that hour. No matter if we choose to or not, we eventually adapt to eating at Indian times, which is quite different than dining times in Sweden. Back home in Sweden one would eat dinner at 6-7 pm and lunch at 11-12 am. When we’re in India the dinner times are around 8-9pm and lunch around 1-2pm. I think it might be due to the fact that people go to work a little later on and leave later, which makes the whole day shift a few hours.
When we were dining at 8 pm at the hotel, the waiter asked us if we were from Sweden since he could see it in our booking. Obviously he could tell we had some sort of Indian (desi) background so he asked if we were here for the first time. I responded, no we’ve been here many times before since our background is from Punjab. He asked if we were born here or in Sweden, and this is where things would have been confusing if I were to trust my past experiences of being put in a box. His response to us being born in Sweden, was the sweetest I have received in India in a long time. He said, then you’re just as much Indian as you are Swedish and he smiled and giggled a bit. I agreed and he went on to talk to other guests in the restaurant. He probably didn’t know what that sentence meant to me, how much it meant that someone would acknowledge us as being part of this society and still be able to keep the other identity. He truly saw our Indian soul. We didn’t have to feel torn and puzzled between the two cultures. Not being forced to choose when someone asks us which one we consider our home, or which one we like the most. There can never be a clear answer to that question, I am always searching, and the more I search, the more questions I get.
The best part of being born in two cultures is the richness it gives to my life, to be able to live a life with both influences on a day to day basis. To be able to pick and choose (most of the times) what we like with each culture and keep those aspects in our life for the next generation. Coming to India annually means much more to me than can be put into words, it can never be explained, the emotions that run through my body when I land 7000 km away from Sweden. Despite being more restricted to do exactly what I want as a woman, to come and go at any hour, and having difficulties adapting to the lifestyle here; I still feel more alive and free. There’s a freedom and acceptance in the air in India one cannot find anywhere else. I might be biased, but that’s my truth.
Sat Sri Akal, Namaste, Peace and Love,
There are no boundaries
No place to be held down
Head held up high
Fish swimming in the ocean
Bird flying in the sky
Never looking back
Throw away the key
The cage of life
Dimensions near and far
Finding peace again
In the open air
The cloudy sphere
That I only share,
Peace and Love,
The invisible pain
Building up inside
The tears flowing
The deepest well
Will we ever be?
Known and free
Will we ever know,
peace and harmony?
Flowing back and forth
Two sides of a coin
Tides and flows
Moments in time
Just like the whispers,
I call out carefully
In the moonlit night
Peace and love,
The lump in my throat
Speak the truth or let it be
Can’t control nor set it free
The pain within.
Healing powers are within
Stronger than ever before
Close your eyes and see
The forgotten tears and embrace
The child within that cried
Who never said goodbye.
Peace and Love,
It’s hard to be stuck in a moment
In between memory lane
Thoughts and dreams go hand in hand
Come on in and open your heart
I just want to see the smile
One more time.
Years pass us by in an instant
We never look back and question why
Always running forward to the future
Just stop and breathe
Why the rush
We can catch up soon enough
Peace and Love,
This journey of writing my novel started way back, I believe it was almost 8 years ago when I got the idea to write a book. I started it off and a year later I changed my mind and didn’t continue with that story. It all went back and forth and I was having inspirational periods of time when I really put all my energy into it, and becoming disappointed at the process a few months later. The struggles of writing was a fact. I had always been writing poems and journaling, so that never really stopped throughout this time – but my book story was halting and was eventually paused for a few years due to lack of inspiration.
I intended to write a story that involves a lot of multicultual aspects to it, and things were by that time happening in my life that made me feel that I didn’t need to write that story anymore, until I went to India a couple of years ago. Something really hit me during that trip and everything came back to me, my desire to write my story. That is what I am doing right now. I am more determined than ever to complete it this time around. The intention is to write almost everyday, or at least sit with it every day and see what comes to me. If I ever find myself doubting or having writer’s block, I now know that I can get through it and move past it. It’s all about how much motivation and desire to write the book you have, because if you don’t have that, the book is never going to write itself.
I have made myself a little soft deadline to follow, which makes it easier for me to follow through. By the end of this year I will have a complete draft version of the entire story. I will edit it several times after that and ask very nicely to one of my dearest friends if he wants to read it, which he’s promised to do. 🙂 I just haven’t finished the book for more than 6 years. Long overdue. The idea is to try to get it published, otherwise I will self-publish it and distribute it myself. For me the importance is to get it out there and have it completed, that is my ambition and goal. I hope that my story can can help someone who’s been in my situation as well.
Stay tuned here for more information on this topic. I know several of you have been cheering on throughout the years and wanting to read it, I am very grateful for having all the support from people all over the world. Writing is our passion but it is just as well a very difficult passion to have. No matter what, you can’t live without it.
Peace and Love,
Kimmi Niroopinder Sandhu
P.S. Some of you might have noticed me using my real names interchangably, and there is no other explanation than an identity crisis. 🙂 Swedish vs Indian. Always struggling, always real.
Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.
– Anthony Bourdain
I can’t seem to help it, this underlying urge to always leave and be on the road to somewhere else. I love the feeling of not belonging to one place, I like belonging to the world. Open. Free. Endless possibilities. I believe it has to do with my two cultures, Swedish and Indian. I love them both, almost equally. Almost. I weigh them back and forth, compare and contrast, which one do I like the most. For the moment.
Being a TCK (third culture kid) or more like a CCK (cross-cultural kid) in my particular case, one will always have to deal with these emotions of not belonging to a certain degree. Rootlessness. Mixed cultural belonging. Struggle to fit in. All of these things are all based in a TCKs/CCKs childhood of being brought up in a mixed cultural environment, where the guidelines of how to deal with it has been missing. Especially during the 90s/00s in Sweden. Growing up in Sweden, in an area where there were no immigrants, has its impact in the long term.
The travelling aspect of my life doesn’t only have to do with physical travelling from one place to another, I am almost always somewhere in a bubble. Typical Pisces behaviour, for those that know astrology. It’s a hard struggle to always remind myself to come back to reality, but when dreaming becomes part of your everyday life to survive, it’s hard to resist. If I knew how to astral travel, I’d be addicted to it. Sounds like such an amazing ability to be able to visit both places and people in all kinds of spaces.
Someone was describing how a TCK walks through life, as if we stand constantly at the airport gate, anxious, waiting for our flight somewhere, walking back and forth until we board our flight. That’s when we calm down and relax, in the window seat of the plane, viewing the endless skies and clouds overlooking everything. That feeling makes me truly feel alive. Never understood why, until I read about being a TCK. Check out my other post on what it is about and my experience up until now, here.
Peace and love,
“Apni roots unko agar ukhad do, toh kya bachega..”
I have watched this Hindi film around three times in total. I rarely watch a film more than one time unless it’s a film that has left some impact on me. It’s a very simple film with many layers of importance and deeper meaning that really show when you start looking deeper at what is happening.
The whole aspect of accepting your roots and where you really come from, to be at peace with that is necessary to be able to live a full and complete life. She struggled a lot with the idea whether to keep the house in Calcutta or not when her dad will pass away. When Irfan Khan’s character tells her the sentence that’s written above, which roughly translates to: If you rip out the roots, what will there be left..
I got shivers down my spine, and felt instantly very emotional, because of how I could relate that so well with my relation to India and my roots. I started crying, at first without really knowing why. It’s been a very rocky road to get to this state of mind, for me to accept and be open and fine with being multicultural. Today vs me 10 years ago are entirely different people, and I am so thankful for that. I am ever grateful for being able to say that I enjoy these layers of my roots and accepting them, not ripping them out and hope that there would be something left. I can’t believe how one is suppose to build anything without the roots.
Highly recommend the film to anyone who like an Indian cultural drama which brings up any everyday topics in a both light manner but also to end it with a lot of different emotions. It is truly a roller coaster ride in your inner world, especially if you’re anything like me and have had struggles with acceptance of roots and a mixed background. I do believe that it might only be fully appreciated by someone who understands the quirks of growing up in an entirely Desi environment.
Peace and Love,
Dreams are the window to the inner soul
What we really desire and long for
Appear before our eyes in the full moon night
The truth of our inner secrets come clean
In the dawn of light
Closing my eyes to see clearly
The images flash by in an instant
Holding onto the last moments
Lifetimes of love tear me apart
In two pieces
One more raw than the other
Suffocating when I can’t breathe in
The full spectrum of,
There is no answer to what I believe
No matter what is being said
Dreams can only tell, in time.
– Kimmi Madeline